Writer's Grove

Down with the Smug Florist Cartel!

In days of yore (which is what people said before they said back in the day) I would try to buy something nice for my wife like a blouse or a dress or something else that is sold in a department store by exquisitely coiffed salespeople, and I would find myself befuddled. What size dress did she wear? Heck, what size jeans or shoes or anything? These things are mysteries to most men because women’s sizes are nothing like men’s. Completely flummoxed, I’d be reduced to buying flowers or something plain like that…and now, I realize, I was supposed to feel that way, and react precisely the way I did. The confusing conventions of women’s fashion are undoubtedly a conspiracy crafted by smug florists and saucy chocolatiers! They want clothiers to be intimidating to men so that they order giant bouquets and boxes of calories out of sheer embarrassment!

O, the ignominy! I see now how I’ve been manipulated all my life! How many times have I walked by a store, seen a mannequin modeling something I thought would look nice on my wife, and squashed the impulse to buy it for her because I was too embarrassed to take a guess at the right size?

You hear that, clothing retailers? Your bewildering sizing practices are stifling impulse buys. You’ve been steering us to smug florists for centuries. It’s all part of their master plan.

But now there’s this neato doohickey that frees men from the tyranny of flowers and chocolate and shiny rocks! It’s called the Guy’s Guide to the Right Size and it’s cheap! I got myself one and I’m kinda giddy with all the possibilities before me. I can now walk in anywhere—even the lingerie section (gasp!)—and buy some stuff that I’m sure will fit my wife and I’m also reasonably sure she’ll like, because her preferences are marked down in the guide. They have a guide for girls, too, so they can walk into the (far simpler) world of men’s fashion and get stuff their guys like. (The shadow conspiracy against men’s fashion is run by Home Depot. Girls who don’t know what to get their guys just buy them tools.)

Disclaimer: The amount of money/fame/swag I get for this is Diddly Squat. Diddly Squat has been proven to equal less than zero in clinical laboratory tests. I cannot tell you where those clinical labs are, because I know Diddly Squat about their names or locations.

Right. I’m off to begin the revolution against the Smug Florist Cartel. Join me!