Writer's Grove

Gandalf can take Chuck Norris

There is a certain amount of hyperbole associated with the abilities of Chuck Norris. But facts are facts: Gandalf told the Balrog “YOU…SHALL NOT…PASS!” and the Balrog didn’t pass. In fact, Gandalf smote his ruin on the mountaintop. And then he saved Minas Tirith.

Chuck Norris can’t take a Balrog. Chuck Norris can’t even take Legolas. Chuck Norris certainly can’t pass Gandalf. Therefore Gandalf owns Chuck Norris—because, look, you can’t deliver a roundhouse kick to a dude with a magical force shield. Gandalf would send Chuck Norris back to the Shadow.

Gandalf can make Nazgul flee with a little white light from his staff. Gandalf can slay armored orcs with a little tap from said staff,  even though he’s all old and arthritic. Gandalf can say “Your staff is broken,” and your staff will break. Gandalf can break Chuck Norris’ staff.

Gandalf is simply superior to Chuck Norris in every way. So there.