Writer's Grove

Still Life with Satyr and Beer #1

This might be something of a gamble, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say you haven’t seen a still life with a satyr before. And after you see the masterpiece below, you STILL won’t have seen one, because this isn’t technically a satyr. The model maker says it’s a satyr—a Shadowhorn Satyr, to be exact—but come on. Satyrs are human above the waist and goatly below the waist. This guy has a human torso, but that’s it. That head ain’t human at all. So in my book, it’s not a satyr, but a minotaur with a goat’s head instead of a bull’s. It needs a different name, right? Minotaur is a combination of Minos (the creature’s mythical home) and tauros, the greek name for bull. So we’ll do the same thing for this critter. We’ll take the location—Tempe (Look! It’s a Greek name already)—and combine it with the Greek word for goat, katsika. So this technically a Still Life with a Tempekatsika…and I am undoubtedly the only one who cares.

OK, so what you have here is a Tempekatsika (satyr) guarding my pretzel and a flagon full of Dixie Blackened Voodoo. It’s a dark lager with a distinctive taste; drinking it is an adventure. And if you look carefully, you will see the glowing eyes of my possessed pretzel glaring balefully at the camera. It kind of looks like it can protect itself, but since I have a badass Tempekatsika nearby, there is no need. Let’s take a closer look at the guardian of my repast, shall we?

Okay, so, now that you’ve seen something you probably wish you could unsee, I’m going to make it worse and show you a picture of a Conspiracy and give you Remarkably Few Details. My Alaskan friend, Hillary Jacques, was in town recently and we took the opportunity to confab over a certain Supa Sekrit Projekt. There are others involved in this Conspiracy—nine, to be exact—but we are not yet ready to reveal its nature. Still, this Important Meeting deserved to be memorialized—it will be history someday—so we had a Passing Ruffian snap a picture of us, for which service he demanded five ducats. I applied a Photoshop filter to it for TWO reasons: 1) it disguises the precise nature of the tubes and gadgets behind us, which is part of the Supa Sekrit Projekt, and 2) it put a neat little Rorschach pattern on the vast plain of my forehead. Behold: This is what it looks like when you plot to take over the world. Muah-ha-ha-ha!

Cheers, friends! I think the Rorschach pattern on my dome is a tree. Or maybe it’s a partially eaten serving of cotton candy?