Writer's Grove

Super-Duper Shroom Tacos

Reading of how many meatpacking workers are getting ill (and indeed, dying) because of Covid-19, I have even more reason (besides the health benefits) to avoid meat. Like…I don’t want my demand for steak or chicken to endanger someone, y’know? But I LIKE TACOS. So what can I do? Deploy the shrooms, good sir. DEPLOY THE SHROOMS.

Wordsmith Chuck Wendig has a spiffy recipe for mushroom tacos over on his blog here that’s dang good.

This recipe is a slightly tweaked version of the one created by the outstanding Isabel, who’s working with full-blown grilled portobellos and a bit more cabbage than I could personally handle, and I added cheese because of course I did, but do check out her original here. Do it up right and you should have enough for four peeps.

Your shopping list:

• fresh cremini (or baby bella) mushrooms. Three small packages of them, I guess? 20-30 ounces, whatever the equivalent is. If you can find some all sliced, you’ll save some time, but as ye can see above I bought mine whole and sliced ’em up. We are turbo lucky; there’s a local shroom producer about 10 km away from us so we get amazing mushrooms in our stores.
• buncha cilantro
• small red cabbage
• coupla limes
• four garlic cloves
• 2 bell peppers, whatever color you dig
• optional: Shredded cheese—I like the three-cheese blend that gets marketed as Mexican blend. But leave it if you want this to be vegan.
• tortillas that make you happy. White, wheat, corn, whatever size. You want burrito size instead of taco size? Go for it!

Your pantry item list that you may/may not need to replenish:

• olive oil
• ground chili powder
• salt
• ground cumin
• dried oregano
• mayo or light mayo or fat free this, vegan that, whatever your jam is

OK. First we’re going to make a marinade for the mushrooms. Get a big ol’ mixing bowl and put these goodies in the bottom and whisk together:

• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 1/4 cup fresh lime juice (from those coupla limes)
• 1/4 cup minced cilantro, but I just eyeballed it
• four cloves of that garlic, all minced
• 1 teaspoon chili powder
• 1 teaspoon salt. Get fancy if you want. If you use artisanal salt here I think you get to call the whole taco artisanal. Those are the rules.
• 1/2 teaspoon cumin
• 1/4 teaspoon dried oregano

Now wash and slice your shrooms, or, if you’ve scored sliced cremini shrooms, I guess just dump it in the mixing bowl with the marinade. Get your super clean hands in there and toss them shrooms around and try not to pass out from the heavenly smell. This marinade is just bonkers and your mushrooms are going to soak all those flavors up. Like, it’s right here you know this is going to rock. You can’t screw this up now. So get ’em all coated in the marinade, and then maybe tease your family a bit. SMELL THIS, you say, shoving it under their nose as they’re trying to decorate their home in Animal Crossing. WE’RE GONNA EAT THEM SOON EXCEPT THEY’LL BE HOT. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO PRAISE ME NOW.

Find a bigass nonstick skillet. I have a 12″ one but an 11″ or 10″ will work in a pinch. Medium heat, is, uh…5? Anyway. Not high. Not low. Somewhere in the middle. Get it het up a bit and throw your marinated mushrooms in there. They’ll fill it up pretty good, but don’t worry, they’ll cook down. Give it about ten minutes, stirring occasionally. They’ll look like this when you start out but shrink significantly as they heat up:

While the shrooms are getting hot n’ delicious, chop up those bell peppers and set aside. I used a yeller one and an orange one, but again, you use whatever color you want.

That cabbage? Halve it and halve it again. You just need a quarter cabbage. I can report from experience that if you shout “I CLEAVE MY CABBAGE IN TWAIN!” as you do it you’ll really enjoy yourself and maybe startle your family. Then, since you gotta do it once more, you say “I CLEAVE MY CABBAGE IN TWAIN AGAIN!” and at this point you should get some satisfactory WTFs from your family if the first one didn’t work. Now shred it, or slice thinly, or julienne? See, this is why I don’t write cookbooks. Throw shredded cabbage in a bigass mixing bowl. Chop some cilantro, a quarter cup or so, and then throw in a spoonful of mayo or your favorite equivalent. You just want enough to coat. Toss it around, admire the colors, and then say as pompously as possible, “I HEREBY DUB THEE…SLAW!”

The mushrooms are probably done. Dump ’em in a bowl for a wee while and rinse out the skillet. You’ll notice a buncha delicious juice. Don’t worry about that. In fact, rejoice!

Now throw in a dollop of olive oil in that same but newly-rinsed skillet, get it het up, and toss in your bell peppers and let them cook and soften for about ten minutes. Some of ’em will get a pleasant scorch mark or three and that’s good. Also good is shouting, “I SCORCH THEE! I BLISTER THY SKIN! CHAR, MY VEGGIES, CHAR! AHAHAHAHA!” I dunno, y’all. I just like cultivating the mad scientist vibe when I’m cooking some amazing shit.

When the peppers are ready, throw the mushrooms & juice in with ’em and stir it up, letting everything mix and heat together. You’re basically ready to go. IT’S TACO TIME.

Here’s where you bust out your tortillas of choice and add cheese or not as your heart desires. I sprinkle some cheese on, nuke it 20-30 seconds, then spoon on some mushroom glory and top with slaw. These are SO NOM NOM, and I hope you enjoy them and remain safe and healthy. So say we all.