Can somebody please, please, please release a death metal collection of Christmas songs? Actually, I have the perfect band for it: Lamb of God. The singer delivers his lyrics like he’s hawking up the personal loogie of Satan, and it’s that voice that I want to hear sing “HARK!” And then you’ll get this thumping double-bass drum groove and a shredding guitar lick, and then he’ll growl along with it like tigers hunting Siegfried and Roy, “the herald angels sing, glory to the newborn king, PEACE ON EARTH! and mercy MILD! God and sinners reconCILE!” And then they’ll just thrash for three minutes. Yeah!

I’m telling you, if they’d play that in the stores instead of the same old tinny, weepy, wussy stuff, I’d be buying stuff so fast Visa wouldn’t realize I’d maxed out my card until I’d single-handedly ended the recession.

Wouldn’t it be awesome to hear Metallica do Jingle Bells? I’d love to hear the vocal stylings of James Hetfield applied to such a jaunty classic:

Dashing through the snoooooow-AH!
In a one-horse open sleigh-AH!
Over the fields we goooooo-AH!
Killing all the waaaaay-AH!

There’s money to be made here, I’m sure of it. Metalheads need something to keep them sane amongst all the yuletide cheer. Who will join me in demanding this music? A psychobilly song or two would be fun, too:

Bunnies roasting over an open fire
Zombies nibbling on your toes

You get the idea.