Though it’s not perfect, an undeniable feature of the modern market is that you now have so many convenient ways to snag the books you want to read. You can even do it without pants (which to my mind is the true test of whether something is convenient or not) by ordering online from one of the big retailers. Usually they offer a discount too, so you’re getting a cool book, saving money and not wearing pants—is this not the best of all possible worlds? And if you want to save even more money—maybe some trees—and increase the convenience, then it’s hard to beat an ebook that downloads to your electric doodad right away. And heck, say you want a signed paper copy—you can do that from home too now! Both Barnes & Noble in the US and indie store The Poisoned Pen (which ships internationally) are offering signed editions of SHATTERED. Mouse click, boom. And to be super—thorough, my publisher has this giant list of vendors for ebooks and audio on their site. Convenience abounds!

Given all that, going to see an author on tour is probably the opposite of convenient. For one thing, both you and, thank goodness, the author, are required to wear pants. The event might be held at an inconvenient time or place for you. Such events are often (but not always) held at indie book stores, and since indies are small businesses they can’t afford the discount-till-you-drop thing. That means anyone who comes to see me on tour has gone out of their way quite a bit; they are spending far more time than they need and a few bucks more to get a book that they could easily get by other means. It’s the highest compliment that anybody would bother at all and I’m so grateful to everyone who shows up to say howdy.

Every so often I will meet somebody who drove a very long way to see me. This cool family from Kansas City drove to see me in Dallas one time. A  dude in Tennessee drove out to see me in Charlotte. A spiffy police officer drove from Houston once to catch me in Phoenix, and so on. I’m always humbled by that and wish I could do more than sign their book for them—like maybe if I had some sausage or a six-pack on hand for just such an occasion I would totally hand it over and say “YOU WIN!” Because they went to an awful lot of trouble to say hi in person and I don’t feel like a bookmark evens the scales. They deserve something special.

It’s tough to tour with sausage and beer, though. The TSA looks at you funny, and then you’re like “Hey, it’s not for me,” and they go, “Yeah, right.”

So I came up with something extra to give to everyone taking extra trouble and expense to see me—something that I can haul around with me pretty easily and yet is better than a bookmark.

I commissioned Galen Dara, the artist who painted the cover for “The Chapel Perilous,” to paint Oberon. And next to Oberon will be a quote of his from SHATTERED—don’t worry, I’m not going to spoil that for anyone now! Let’s just say it’s one of my favorite things. If you come to see me at one of my nine tour stops and buy a book, you will get an 8×10 signed print of that painting for free. Here’s a peekie:

Didn’t Galen do an amazing job? I love that doggie smile! Anyway, I’ll give away one print per book and I won’t be able to sell extra copies, sorry; I need to make sure I will have enough for everyone at the next stop. Here’s where and when I’m touring, in case you missed it:

June 17, 6:30: The Poisoned Pen in Scottsdale, AZ
June 18, 7:00: Murder By the Book in Houston, TX.
June 19, 7:00: Joseph-Beth Booksellers in Lexington, KY.
June 20, 7:00: Barnes & Noble at HarMar Mall, Roseville (near Minneapolis) MN.
June 21, 6:00: University Bookstore in Seattle, WA.
June 22, 4:00: Powell’s Books in Beaverton (near Portland), OR.
June 23, 7:00: Pandemonium Books & Games in Cambridge (near Boston), MA.
June 24, 6:30 or 7: Bakka Phoenix in Toronto, Ontario, Canada!
I’m spending a few days in Toronto and then squeezing in one last stop…in Colorado!
June 29, 3:00: Tattered Cover in Highlands Ranch (a bit south of Denver), CO.

Huge apologies if I’m not coming to your town or even your state. It’s not because I don’t love you; it’s because travel is expensive, my budget is limited, and I start missing my family and doggies too much if I’m on the road for long.

I’ll be at San Diego Comic Con in July and there’s this cool bookstore/café called Upstart Crow where I’ll organize an informal coffee hootenanny on either Friday or Saturday morning (July 25 or 26). That way if you’re not going to the con you can still come on down and hang out. If I have any prints left over from tour I’ll give ’em away there. Updates on that once I get the details figured out.

If you really want an Oberon print but can’t see me on tour and get a free one (and that’s fine, I totally understand!), the artist, Galen Dara, will be selling them online beginning July 1. However you read the Iron Druid Chronicles—or if you listen the audiobooks—thank you so much! I hope you dig SHATTERED! It has more Druids! More gods! And more doggies!

Peace, love, and sausage, friends.

Oberon wanted to share some holiday greetings with you all, so Atticus, Luke Daniels and I made it happen—because how can you say no to that face?

If you click RIGHT HERE you’ll be taken to my Soundcloud page where you can stream Oberon’s message for free—it’s seven minutes and fourteen seconds of good times with a glorious singalong activity! Fun for the whole family!

You’ll also see a button there that says “Share” that will allow you to spread the joy around to your friends and family via Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Google + and Pinterest.

Luke and I hope you enjoy it and we want to thank you all for reading or listening to the Iron Druid Chronicles, which is really about this hound and his human. The next book, if you haven’t heard yet, is due out June 17. It’ll be available on audio too the same day.

May your sausage always be fat and juicy.

Sometimes (okay, oftentimes) I feel the need to indulge the Urge to Silliness. You may have noticed this if you’ve read my books. Parodies amuse me quite a bit; I think Weird Al Yankovic is a genius. I like writing parodies of poems—especially “important” ones, like T.S. Eliot’s “The Waste Land.” I wrote a full parody of that complete with footnotes once, all focusing on teaching high school and making numerous allusions to 80s movies. Like, maybe twenty people have read it, and that’s fine, because it made me giggle, and if you can’t nerd out once in a while then what’s the point?

So here we are now: On Twitter and Facebook, I thought it would be funny to write some lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven” that Oberon would appreciate. The title instantly became “Stairway to Sausage,” of course. On Twitter, I got this excellent first bit from @Priscellie:

“There’s a wolfhound who’s brave
And so loyal and good
And he’s climbing
A stairway to sausage.”

I continued from there:

When he gets there he knows
If the brats all are gone
With a bark he can score
Some hot andouille.

Awooo oooh, oooh, ooh oooh and he’s climbing the stairway to sausage.

BUT time didn’t allow me to go any further. I left the rest up to the peeps on Facebook, and there’s some great bits in there that made me laugh, you should check it out if you haven’t seen it. But I have to give major props to Isaac Sher, who did the WHOLE SONG, and it deserves to be appreciated. With apologies to Robert Plant and the gang:

There’s a wolfhound who’s brave, and wears jumpsuits of gold
And he’s climbing the stairway to sausage.
When he gets there he knows, if the stores are all closed
With a woof he can get what he came for
Arooo, ooo, and he’s climbing the stairway to sausage.

There’s a fridge in the house, but he wants to be sure
‘Cause he knows sometimes sausage is turkey.

In a house ‘cross the street, there’s a neighbor who spies,
Sometimes dogs leave surprises in his yard.
Aroo, it makes me hunger
Aroo, it makes me hunger

There’s a feeling I get when my belly gets rubbed
And my bathtime is funtime for stories.
In my dreams I have seen Ghenghis Khan on the plains,
And the whimpers of poodles are calling.
Aroo, it makes me hunger,
Aroo, it really makes me hunger.

And it’s whispered that soon if he scoops meat with a spoon
Then the druid will fry us a patty
And a new meal with dawn for those who have stood long
And the desert will echo with munching

If there’s a raven in your storefront, don’t be alarmed now,
It’s just the rival of the Celt Queen.
Yes, she is scary and has red eyes, but in the long run,
She won’t take away my bestest friend.
And it makes me hunger.

Your tummy’s rumbling and it won’t go, in case you don’t know,
The druid’s calling you to join him,
Dear lady, we’ll go hunt sheep bighorn, and did you know
My sausage cooks on the sizzling pan.

And as we hunt on down the road
Our tummies fuller than our bowl
There walks a Druid that I know
Who makes me tea and wants to show
Fun movie shows that I can quote
And if you listen very hard
The quote will come to you at last
When Prime would say “Till All Are One”
Was in the old Transformers show.

And he’s buying a stairway to sausage.

Isn’t that fun? I think Isaac deserves a treat. Isaac, email me your address and I’ll sign something and send it to you for writing such a great parody. Thanks, man!