Writer's Grove

The Stairway to Sausage

Sometimes (okay, oftentimes) I feel the need to indulge the Urge to Silliness. You may have noticed this if you’ve read my books. Parodies amuse me quite a bit; I think Weird Al Yankovic is a genius. I like writing parodies of poems—especially “important” ones, like T.S. Eliot’s “The Waste Land.” I wrote a full parody of that complete with footnotes once, all focusing on teaching high school and making numerous allusions to 80s movies. Like, maybe twenty people have read it, and that’s fine, because it made me giggle, and if you can’t nerd out once in a while then what’s the point?

So here we are now: On Twitter and Facebook, I thought it would be funny to write some lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven” that Oberon would appreciate. The title instantly became “Stairway to Sausage,” of course. On Twitter, I got this excellent first bit from @Priscellie:

“There’s a wolfhound who’s brave
And so loyal and good
And he’s climbing
A stairway to sausage.”

I continued from there:

When he gets there he knows
If the brats all are gone
With a bark he can score
Some hot andouille.

Awooo oooh, oooh, ooh oooh and he’s climbing the stairway to sausage.

BUT time didn’t allow me to go any further. I left the rest up to the peeps on Facebook, and there’s some great bits in there that made me laugh, you should check it out if you haven’t seen it. But I have to give major props to Isaac Sher, who did the WHOLE SONG, and it deserves to be appreciated. With apologies to Robert Plant and the gang:

There’s a wolfhound who’s brave, and wears jumpsuits of gold
And he’s climbing the stairway to sausage.
When he gets there he knows, if the stores are all closed
With a woof he can get what he came for
Arooo, ooo, and he’s climbing the stairway to sausage.

There’s a fridge in the house, but he wants to be sure
‘Cause he knows sometimes sausage is turkey.

In a house ‘cross the street, there’s a neighbor who spies,
Sometimes dogs leave surprises in his yard.
Aroo, it makes me hunger
Aroo, it makes me hunger

There’s a feeling I get when my belly gets rubbed
And my bathtime is funtime for stories.
In my dreams I have seen Ghenghis Khan on the plains,
And the whimpers of poodles are calling.
Aroo, it makes me hunger,
Aroo, it really makes me hunger.

And it’s whispered that soon if he scoops meat with a spoon
Then the druid will fry us a patty
And a new meal with dawn for those who have stood long
And the desert will echo with munching

If there’s a raven in your storefront, don’t be alarmed now,
It’s just the rival of the Celt Queen.
Yes, she is scary and has red eyes, but in the long run,
She won’t take away my bestest friend.
And it makes me hunger.

Your tummy’s rumbling and it won’t go, in case you don’t know,
The druid’s calling you to join him,
Dear lady, we’ll go hunt sheep bighorn, and did you know
My sausage cooks on the sizzling pan.

And as we hunt on down the road
Our tummies fuller than our bowl
There walks a Druid that I know
Who makes me tea and wants to show
Fun movie shows that I can quote
And if you listen very hard
The quote will come to you at last
When Prime would say “Till All Are One”
Was in the old Transformers show.

And he’s buying a stairway to sausage.

Isn’t that fun? I think Isaac deserves a treat. Isaac, email me your address and I’ll sign something and send it to you for writing such a great parody. Thanks, man!