Tag Archives: Chuck Norris

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The New Mustached Villain

My curiosity bids me ask, why do male Disney villains have acres of space between their noses and upper lips with razor thin mustaches resting on top of said lips? I’m actually just thinking of Jafar and the Shadow Man, the latter being the latest Disney villain in The Princess and the Frog.

In many ways, it seems that Disney just took Jafar and recycled him into this new setting. Like Jafar, the Shadow Man is very tall and skeletally thin; he wields a cane with a globe on top that’s eerily similar to the scepter Jafar used in Aladdin; he has a tall, black hat like Jafar’s monstrous headgear; and then there is the aforementioned mustache.

What can we conclude, then, about facial hair? A long, white, ZZ Top beard means you’re wise and ready to save Middle Earth; thin, black, and trimmed means you want to rule over Agrabah or New Orleans; a brown, bristly beard suitable for sanding down petrified wood means you’re Chuck Norris.

Gandalf can still take Chuck Norris any day of the week, by the way.

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Gandalf can take Chuck Norris

There is a certain amount of hyperbole associated with the abilities of Chuck Norris. But facts are facts: Gandalf told the Balrog “YOU…SHALL NOT…PASS!” and the Balrog didn’t pass. In fact, Gandalf smote his ruin on the mountaintop. And then he saved Minas Tirith.

Chuck Norris can’t take a Balrog. Chuck Norris can’t even take Legolas. Chuck Norris certainly can’t pass Gandalf. Therefore Gandalf owns Chuck Norris—because, look, you can’t deliver a roundhouse kick to a dude with a magical force shield. Gandalf would send Chuck Norris back to the Shadow.

Gandalf can make Nazgul flee with a little white light from his staff. Gandalf can slay armored orcs with a little tap from said staff,  even though he’s all old and arthritic. Gandalf can say “Your staff is broken,” and your staff will break. Gandalf can break Chuck Norris’ staff.

Gandalf is simply superior to Chuck Norris in every way. So there.

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On HEXED and burly squirrels

My work in progress is called HEXED and I’m just about halfway through it. It features Coyote (not a coyote or the coyote but Coyote, the trickster), a fallen angel, some Bacchants, a nasty coven of German hexen, a tall priest and a short rabbi…amongst other colorful characters.

I have to say that so far I’m kind of cracking myself up during the funny bits. I hope other people will think it’s funny too. I’m also kind of grossing myself out during the gory bits, but I’m not sure if it’s okay to hope other people will be grossed out.

Anyway, HEXED is supposed to be finished in the spring, and HAMMERED, the third book in the American Druid series, will be finished in the summer, featuring nobody’s favorite squirrel, Ratatosk.

“But Kevin,” you may ask, “how can  a squirrel be nobody’s favorite?” According to Norse mythology, Ratatosk lives in the World Tree, Yggdrasil (which isn’t on my daughter’s spelling list this week) and he regularly chats with a great wyrm named Nidhogg. Any squirrel that a wyrm talks with instead of eats has to be a mighty burly squirrel, right? Ratatosk is the kind of squirrel that bench presses guys like Charles Atlas. Ratatosk is the kind of squirrel that would steal nuts from Chuck Norris. Ratatosk will never appear in a Disney movie because he frightens small children and large dogs. I really can’t wait to write about him…but I need to finish HEXED first.