Tag Archives: Gandalf

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The New Mustached Villain

My curiosity bids me ask, why do male Disney villains have acres of space between their noses and upper lips with razor thin mustaches resting on top of said lips? I’m actually just thinking of Jafar and the Shadow Man, the latter being the latest Disney villain in The Princess and the Frog.

In many ways, it seems that Disney just took Jafar and recycled him into this new setting. Like Jafar, the Shadow Man is very tall and skeletally thin; he wields a cane with a globe on top that’s eerily similar to the scepter Jafar used in Aladdin; he has a tall, black hat like Jafar’s monstrous headgear; and then there is the aforementioned mustache.

What can we conclude, then, about facial hair? A long, white, ZZ Top beard means you’re wise and ready to save Middle Earth; thin, black, and trimmed means you want to rule over Agrabah or New Orleans; a brown, bristly beard suitable for sanding down petrified wood means you’re Chuck Norris.

Gandalf can still take Chuck Norris any day of the week, by the way.

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Vainamoinen

Vainamoinen is not a cleaning product. Nor is it a communicable disease. And to completely disappoint you on your third guess, it is not an exotic sauce to pour on your roasted animal flesh of choice.

Vainamoinen is a Finnish deity/culture hero who may or may not have been Tolkien’s inspiration for Gandalf. He played an instrument called a ketele, which he invented himself, made out of materials he happened to have handy at the time: a giant pike’s jawbone and the hair of a blond maiden who must have had particularly thick and resilient hair.

By using the power of his ketele and his voice, he could make magic happen. That’s some serious shredding on the ketele. I’m going to have a good ol’ time with him in HAMMERED; can’t wait to see what kind of guy he turns out to be.

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Gandalf can take Chuck Norris

There is a certain amount of hyperbole associated with the abilities of Chuck Norris. But facts are facts: Gandalf told the Balrog “YOU…SHALL NOT…PASS!” and the Balrog didn’t pass. In fact, Gandalf smote his ruin on the mountaintop. And then he saved Minas Tirith.

Chuck Norris can’t take a Balrog. Chuck Norris can’t even take Legolas. Chuck Norris certainly can’t pass Gandalf. Therefore Gandalf owns Chuck Norris—because, look, you can’t deliver a roundhouse kick to a dude with a magical force shield. Gandalf would send Chuck Norris back to the Shadow.

Gandalf can make Nazgul flee with a little white light from his staff. Gandalf can slay armored orcs with a little tap from said staff,  even though he’s all old and arthritic. Gandalf can say “Your staff is broken,” and your staff will break. Gandalf can break Chuck Norris’ staff.

Gandalf is simply superior to Chuck Norris in every way. So there.